I often try to help people.

Not sure I get it right every time.

It is something of a calling for me…though as time goes on I have to be more selective about it.

What I don’t often talk about is helping myself or why helping is important.

We won’t talk about why today either.

What I need today is to capture some thoughts.  These will probably not impact people or be easily understood – I have heard people say that ’emotional intelligence’ is a thing.  Well, there’s a phrase I’ve been playing with, ’emotional perspective’.  Something where the meaning & understanding are not as impacting once the moment is gone.


Children.

When you have a part of your brain that doesn’t work, how do you make the choice to pass that along?  For Asperger/autism spectrum it’s a struggle, but it’s not an altogether hopeless thing.  Most people are reactive to treatment for ADHD and develop some amount of coping skills, but some are crippled by the condition & not able to advance themselves at the rate of others.

This can be depressing.

When we get to double depressive, bipolar, manic type conditions … we are now talking about not just something that is making life hard, it’s literally eating / deadening chunks of your brain … stealing months & years off the end of your life.

Many days you barely make it through yourself.  How do you inflict that on someone else?  How do you risk it getting worse for your kid?

I know there’s many people who think you can just talk to the kids and that will help them understand…right?  Because we just talk to racist people & they suddenly give up being racist or we talk to clueless people who think picking on disabled is fun & they suddenly stop laughing?

The fact is that I’ve had to fight myself for my life … more than a few times each year.  More months than I haven’t … my brain gives me the feels & they are intense I weep with the beauty of music & my memories of wonderful people and things I’ve seen.  More regularly though, I am a mess inside and unable to comprehend the brutal world humans created for each other.

As an individual with autism spectrum w/adhd, a history of bipolar & double depressive on both sides of the family – I have issues comprehending people & their lack of context or why they can’t grasp my context.  How would I explain, guide & mentor a child of my own through their life.  Especially knowing it’s late in my life to start & my brain is taking vacations to destroy itself every so often each year?

What would be the content of the conversation…

  • You will see other people, but you mustn’t ever compare yourself to them – instead celebrate them & their joys like they are your own…because you might never experience their happiness for yourself?
  • You will live with fear, anxiety, depression, obsession for the rest of your short life?
  • These things will plague you at work, they will plague you in making & keeping friends, they will plague you in building a home & a life with your would be spouse.
  • You will always struggle with basic things that other people just get?
  • There are drugs that will help you, but eventually they will lose their power to help?
  • We need to live without attachment, to love fiercely, to appreciate every little thing, because no one is guaranteed anything other than death – except we are guaranteed to suffer more than others & to die earlier?
  • I have literally felt alone most of my life since 10 years old & you probably will too?
  • I traveled instead of of saving money as a young man & that you won’t have a chance in hell at college due to my choices, but that’s probably okay, because with all the disabilities – you would have to struggle much harder than other students?
  • I’m telling you this, but you need to struggle on anyways, even if one day I’m not around, even if I die early or lose my fight and choose to leave this world?
  • You might not have me to help guide you & honestly, I’m not sure how good of guide I can or have been?

Even if we come up with the perfect message & strip out all the negativity, will the very act of talking about it make it like a destiny to them?  Influencing and sticking that fear in their brains like a deterministic bias?

Can I medicate them from 9 years old till 18 to get them through the bad times without depriving them of time to develop their ability to cope?

I have to imagine that my parents had some of these same thoughts or discussions between themselves.  Knowing this I can’t blame them for getting divorced … do you scare the living crap out of them or coddle the children?  Its not an insignificant choice.

This all assumes I could be a basically good & well intending parent.  That my depression, sadness, anger, etc don’t make me unable to be there for my child.  That my kid never has to visit the ‘hospital’ to see me while I’m fighting my brain … I’ve avoided that thus far, but if it’s a struggle where there’s more on the stake than just me – that’s a bigger deal and a heavy anxiety debt to carry.  This assumes that even if I avoid going away, that I will be 100% present.  That my sadness won’t dampen my children or the medication won’t make me less empathetic & excited around them…or take me to the point where I don’t care enough about them or understand their happiness/sadness enough to connect to them.  The worst assumption is the one that what if between all of the stress in life, I become a monster who lashes out at my children?


I can’t really see the screen through my tears right now to type & there’s a guilty part of me that is glad my girlfriend from 10 years ago miscarried, because this is a hell of a thing to think & write…much less if my child’s well being depended on me & I barely make it by as is …

How interpersonal relationships work…explained in programming

Just a quick blurp…I’m supposed to be slaving away right now!

Reading: PRACTICAL OBJECT-ORIENTED – DESIGN IN RUBY

In there they explain that:

Trip has now relinquished a great deal of responsibility to Mechanic. Trip knows that it wants each of its bicycles to be prepared, and it trusts the Mechanic to accomplish this task. Because the responsibility for knowing how has been ceded to Mechanic, Trip will always get the correct behavior regardless of future improvements to Mechanic.
When the conversation between Trip and Mechanic switched from a how to a
what, one side effect was that the size of the public interface in Mechanic was drastically reduced.

The author talks about how beginning programmers are very structurally oriented.  IE:

  • They know what each object/person knows
  • They know how each object/person does their tasks
  • They tell each object/person when to do their tasks

I think in the real world – we call this micro managing someone.  The only conditions in which this tends to work well is when someone doesn’t know how to do something.  Otherwise it’s sub optimal.  The author even talks about how objects need to trust each other to accomplish their tasks, instead of trying to control each other or micro manage every step.

Ex’s in social media

Feels a bit like a creep to go look up the ex’s … it’s also tedious to try & avoid all mentions of someone who you were close to and working on combining your lives together.

Nonetheless, this author delves in to the thoughts and capabilities for keeping informed about the ex’s of your life … unleashing the competitive voyeur in the digital age …

Maureen O’Connor

All My Exes Live in Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up

One neurologists opinion …

I try to avoid things like this – but there was an interesting gem of knowledge in how babies learn faces and how it affects trust.

From the analysis of Ted Cruz’s face …

Our stone–age ancestors learned to read faces and rapidly tell friend from foe. While we live in a far different environment, we still possess the same stone–age brain as our distant relatives. Like them, we judge instantly. Automatically and more quickly than conscious reflection could manage, we weigh whether we like a new face or dislike the person behind it. Our social circuits, which are largely emotional, tell us whether to trust a person or not. Given a million years of practice, our brains are good at this.

I wonder if this sort of thing … “is (s)he like me?”, “are they like us?” one of the things that we are working against, when combating inherit/latent racism …

Perhaps just an underlaying frame work which people use to under stand the world – not an excuse – rather an observation & my brain trying to connect the dots.

Tools for Tinder

In the weird world of dating … a new tool to decide if you really like someone…

To me, this seems predicated on the idea that everyone gets nervous or sweaty palms when they meet someone they like … which might be a flawed premise.  Nonetheless, very interesting that someone made a biological scanner for it.  I’d like to see it tested by a few hundred people against swipes they made previously!

 … if the person, whose image is displayed, happens to spark your interest, the Tinder will automatically read your sweaty palms and the robotic arm will swipe right for you. Should your palms remain dry, the Tinder swipes left indicating there is ‘no love emotion’. In addition to this, the machine provides basic remarks on the decisions you make in succession. …

http://lotsol.com/2015/12/the-true-love-tinder-robot-a-robot-that-reads-human-love-emotions-through-their-hands/

Off Tinder, Off sex…

Interesting read…sad for her, lonely or longing?

Link

She rescues it a bit talking about something very important, intimacy is not necessarily sex…

The man I sometimes love tells me, “Love is a leaky boat.” The woman I sometimes love tells me the blooming jasmine in Los Angeles reminds her of walking to school in Egypt as a teenager. And in her head she is somewhere far away from here, from us. We don’t have sex, but we have intimacy. It’s not that I’m choosing to abstain from sex in these situations, but that sex seems to be choosing to abstain from me.