I often try to help people.

Not sure I get it right every time.

It is something of a calling for me…though as time goes on I have to be more selective about it.

What I don’t often talk about is helping myself or why helping is important.

We won’t talk about why today either.

What I need today is to capture some thoughts.  These will probably not impact people or be easily understood – I have heard people say that ’emotional intelligence’ is a thing.  Well, there’s a phrase I’ve been playing with, ’emotional perspective’.  Something where the meaning & understanding are not as impacting once the moment is gone.


Children.

When you have a part of your brain that doesn’t work, how do you make the choice to pass that along?  For Asperger/autism spectrum it’s a struggle, but it’s not an altogether hopeless thing.  Most people are reactive to treatment for ADHD and develop some amount of coping skills, but some are crippled by the condition & not able to advance themselves at the rate of others.

This can be depressing.

When we get to double depressive, bipolar, manic type conditions … we are now talking about not just something that is making life hard, it’s literally eating / deadening chunks of your brain … stealing months & years off the end of your life.

Many days you barely make it through yourself.  How do you inflict that on someone else?  How do you risk it getting worse for your kid?

I know there’s many people who think you can just talk to the kids and that will help them understand…right?  Because we just talk to racist people & they suddenly give up being racist or we talk to clueless people who think picking on disabled is fun & they suddenly stop laughing?

The fact is that I’ve had to fight myself for my life … more than a few times each year.  More months than I haven’t … my brain gives me the feels & they are intense I weep with the beauty of music & my memories of wonderful people and things I’ve seen.  More regularly though, I am a mess inside and unable to comprehend the brutal world humans created for each other.

As an individual with autism spectrum w/adhd, a history of bipolar & double depressive on both sides of the family – I have issues comprehending people & their lack of context or why they can’t grasp my context.  How would I explain, guide & mentor a child of my own through their life.  Especially knowing it’s late in my life to start & my brain is taking vacations to destroy itself every so often each year?

What would be the content of the conversation…

  • You will see other people, but you mustn’t ever compare yourself to them – instead celebrate them & their joys like they are your own…because you might never experience their happiness for yourself?
  • You will live with fear, anxiety, depression, obsession for the rest of your short life?
  • These things will plague you at work, they will plague you in making & keeping friends, they will plague you in building a home & a life with your would be spouse.
  • You will always struggle with basic things that other people just get?
  • There are drugs that will help you, but eventually they will lose their power to help?
  • We need to live without attachment, to love fiercely, to appreciate every little thing, because no one is guaranteed anything other than death – except we are guaranteed to suffer more than others & to die earlier?
  • I have literally felt alone most of my life since 10 years old & you probably will too?
  • I traveled instead of of saving money as a young man & that you won’t have a chance in hell at college due to my choices, but that’s probably okay, because with all the disabilities – you would have to struggle much harder than other students?
  • I’m telling you this, but you need to struggle on anyways, even if one day I’m not around, even if I die early or lose my fight and choose to leave this world?
  • You might not have me to help guide you & honestly, I’m not sure how good of guide I can or have been?

Even if we come up with the perfect message & strip out all the negativity, will the very act of talking about it make it like a destiny to them?  Influencing and sticking that fear in their brains like a deterministic bias?

Can I medicate them from 9 years old till 18 to get them through the bad times without depriving them of time to develop their ability to cope?

I have to imagine that my parents had some of these same thoughts or discussions between themselves.  Knowing this I can’t blame them for getting divorced … do you scare the living crap out of them or coddle the children?  Its not an insignificant choice.

This all assumes I could be a basically good & well intending parent.  That my depression, sadness, anger, etc don’t make me unable to be there for my child.  That my kid never has to visit the ‘hospital’ to see me while I’m fighting my brain … I’ve avoided that thus far, but if it’s a struggle where there’s more on the stake than just me – that’s a bigger deal and a heavy anxiety debt to carry.  This assumes that even if I avoid going away, that I will be 100% present.  That my sadness won’t dampen my children or the medication won’t make me less empathetic & excited around them…or take me to the point where I don’t care enough about them or understand their happiness/sadness enough to connect to them.  The worst assumption is the one that what if between all of the stress in life, I become a monster who lashes out at my children?


I can’t really see the screen through my tears right now to type & there’s a guilty part of me that is glad my girlfriend from 10 years ago miscarried, because this is a hell of a thing to think & write…much less if my child’s well being depended on me & I barely make it by as is …

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The defeat of revolutions? Comfort & depression?

A little about depression … “double depression” (Dysthymia) that is and a funny perspective on the realities of society in the modern era … Link …

It reminds me of my grandparents when I was but 4 years old.  In one of a handful of those memories I actually recall vividly they babysat me.  We were at the park.  I was on bench between them.  Talking about things I didn’t really understand by telling me what things made people happy & sad.  Then instructing me one day it would be my turn to read the news papers.  I would have to know how to vote in order to help the country.  To do so, I would need to know how to read.

Also, if I knew how to read I would learn J. R. R. Tolkien was the great writer of the Hobbit & I could find more hobbit stories if I could read.

The funny part of the situation – 10 years later they were informing me they only consume media that is by comedians anymore – as the rest is too depressing … many years after they are gone, I found this today …

The distraction of the comfortable is always why revolutions fail. Once people reach a certain standard of living, they think they no longer owe it to the rest of humanity to continue fighting. They say they need a rest from all the hard work they did to get where they are. By the time they have kids, well, it’s over.

They gave it a shot.

Better luck, next generation.

Boomers, out.

But I don’t want to be their deadend.

And maybe you don’t either.

And if you’re fighting it, then you’re gasping for air while the rest of the free world is volunteering to drown.

If you’re taken in by the dread, it’s because it’s real.

You’ve seen the surface. You know this drowning world isn’t all there is.

Test.  I’m not sure why it speaks to me.  Test again.  Repeat later …

Correlation of good sleep & meditation…

Possible medical basis for meditations…by… ICUDOC  “I’m an MD, board certified Sleep Medicine physician certified by the ABIM (American Board of Internal Medicine)”

Sleep doctor here, including someone who has been involved in the treatment of PTSD. Lots of good advice here. The most important thing I can add however is that organizing your thoughts and recalling and digesting impactful, emotional events in your head is actually how the human mind works. Being alone with your thoughts, minimizing external stimulation to focus on the internal dialogue is an important daily activity even for as little as 15 minutes a day.

The problem with the modern lifestyle is you probably go from morning radio to podcast in car to Facebook, to work and Reddit during breaks and then back home to the TV. There are few opportunities for quiet reflection so is there any surprise that the first moment there are no distractions (once your head hits the pillow on your bed) you would start having your inner dialogue?

Your coping mechanism should not be more distraction and sleeping pills, but rather forced routine that involves that internal voice. Here are powerful coping mechanisms successful people use on a daily basis:

1) meditation 2) writing a diary 3) working out with minimal distractions 4) prayer 5) light house work with minimal distractions 6) sitting down and planning your daily agenda 7) opening your thoughts to a close friend or psychotherapist over regularly scheduled periods

These routine activities force you to confront your inner thoughts and you will have these necessary internal dialogues during appropriate times rather than moments you are trying to sleep.

People with PTSD (for example) who get in trouble are the kinds of people who ratchet up the distractions in their life because an inner thoughtful reflection on the horrors of life would be too painful. After awhile, distracting yourself becomes ineffective and sleep is often the first victim of a distracted lifestyle.

Good luck, I know this is hard!

Inside scoop on what an EKG sensor can & can’t tell you…

In the world of wearable “kitty ears” … Link … which move based on your mood…

And recording sensors to monitor your brain for health purposes … The Muse … Link

What is the actual Scientists Opinion on what can be told about a person?

Not much actually … Link

Though, they have been used in helping with panic attacks … Link

More toys controlled by brain waves … puzzle games and helocopters … Link … there’s an intertesing TEDTalk in this one, also dealing with controlling your google glasses screen in a method beside eye motion.  Apparently according to the article one MD claims well funded government projects are less than 20 years from being able to literally read a thought from the human mind via the high density electrodes (for interrogation).

To the man who hoped the train suicide suffered…

… I don’t know you.  You can’t know me either.

I hope you’re ok.  That your day isn’t too boring or too busy & everything in your life is fine, as well as all those you love.  I mean this, I speak from only sadness here…

I think you were probably were probably having a bad day.  I expect you deal with the consequences of people who end their lives on the rails of the place where you earn you living far more than makes the media.  I don’t expect that you are really a horrible human.  I hope you keep your job & the internet full of vigilantes with their mob justice does not get you removed or suspended.

All of that aside… it is just the pre-text to the answering of the wish you expressed over the public announcement system of a train…

Sir, I did not know whomever jumped on the rails that day – but I can assure you without a doubt that they definitely suffered.  This thought brings me to the point where I had to take a break and go walk the dog before I wrote anymore.  Then rewrote all of this again.

The suffering of this person in all likely hood began years ago.  No one who ends their lives does so because their life is great.

It was probably focused around a recurring event or person, triggered finally by something else.  At point when they were isolated in their feelings & alienated to a degree from those they loved.  That last part alone is one the most damaging things a person can experience … Link.  So damaging that jailers use it to enforce the behavior of prisons as the ultimate step.

So, yes, they suffered – likely for years – in ways that I hope you never have to understand.

Good day to you sir …

Link to original story … Link.  A link to the discussion of the other teenager who died before that at the same school … Link.

Note:

Some believe there to be a pattern in these things …

At least five communities in the United States per year experience a youth suicide cluster of three or more suicides, according to Madelyn Gould, a professor of epidemiology in psychiatry at the Columbia University Medical Center, who is an expert in the topic. Teenagers and young adults are particularly susceptible to what is called suicide contagion, Dr. Gould said, possibly because of the role that peer relationships play in their lives, or because of their impulsivity.  Link